Fork. Words. Eat. / My Coffeemaker is a Decepticon.

A while back I made a few hasty comments on this blog about Michael Bay. Hasty...brash...uncessary...senile? Well, now I would like to rescind all previous comments. Give me a fork and a lobster bib 'cause I'm going to shovel those words right back into my mouth and digest them like a piece of gum - they'll never come out of me again. And if they do it will be seven years (at least).

Blame it on our giant flat screen TV, blame it on the amazing hotness that is Megan Fox, blame it on the henny, blame it on whatever you want, but I cannot deny how UH-MAZING Transformers II and Transformers were (in that order specifically - the order I watched them in. Which leads me to believe that all sequels should be watched first to avoid major dissapointment. I really think follow up films would be more appreciated if they were viewed out of order - I'm sure Jaws 2, Friday the 13th VII, and The Land Before Time Part 3,782 would have been raving hits with people had their blockbuster predecessors not been so darn successful. Sequels aren't half bad considering the other dung paddies the movie studios are slinging around theaters, i.e. Space Chimps. How embarassing for the people who made that movie).

I will wholeheartedly admit that I feel like a complete sellout proclaiming my love for this movie franchise. I almost changed my facebook profile to reflect my new obsession. But, like so many other obsessions in my life (like Furbies, Huey Lewis & the News, and bacon scented candles) this obsession will probably have a shelf life of 2 weeks, then it will start to rot, I'll kick it to the curb, and find something else to fixate on. Like rice cookers. So I refrained.

<-- Whaaaat he can't be serious. Right?

I'm not even going to spend time going over why I so thoroughly enjoyed these movies. No one really wants to hear that anyway. Not even me. All I will say is that Michael Bay, in all his ostentatious, exlposion-loving, robot destruction-ing, hot lead role casting, directorial glory, knows exactly what he's doing when it comes to CGI. Watching the two come together is like watching that liquid police officer robot from Terminator II fuse back together after getting blown to smithereens; it is one giant, perfectly molded, indestructible mercurial forcefield of deuschy awesomeness.

In light of my new love affair, I am now convinced that the coffeemaker in my office that I singlehandedly purchased from Office Max to caffeinate my sleepy tastebuds every morning is totally, 100%, without a doubt, a Decepticon. Albeit a slightly challenged Decepticon in that it seems to lack movement, arms, a voice of sorts, and, well, life period...but I am certain this wretched machine's sole purpose is to drive me postal.

*Said coffeemaker. DON'T BUY IT.

First of all, it cost $48.50. I could have bought a cheaper coffeemaker at CVS. Or just brought in the one from my apartment that is collecting dust underneath my oven. Secondly, it has a built-in filter that appears to do nothing. I'm confused about the purpose of built-in filters. Do you put another filter in there? Or do you just let the coffee seep through the mesh basket? Why is it even in there? Why is it a V shape? Why isn't it round? Why didn't it come with an instruction manual? Thirdly, no matter what time I turn off the coffeemaker (11AM, 4PM, the next morning...) the condensation build up drips from the top of the machine with the persistence of Dina Lohan: inane enough that it's not really a major issue but annoying enough that something needs to be done. So every day when I clean out the coffeemaker and the built-in filter(?) the machine inevitably spews grody left over coffee water all over me and the mini fridge it sits on, forcing me to gather an army of paper towels and mop up the soddy mess. Every. Single. Business day.


I don't know who designed this over-priced piece of crap plastic but they should be fired. Or promoted, considering they manufactured a product for probably $2, a loose button, and a cup of fat and somehow managed to sell it for $50. Every day it's like Maximum Overdrive in here, except the only machine to rise against is the coffeemaker. The other appliances in the office obediently sit to the side, quietly watching my boss circle his desk looking for that one on breast cancer publication from seven years ago that he just knows is in one of the piles stacked up to high heaven in his office.

The condensation doesn't just fall straight down to the burner either. It wouldn't be an issue if it just adhered to the basic principles of gravity and fell straight down. No no. Instead it projectiles all over the place, Linda Blair Exorcist style. By the end of what should be a simple task of removing the coffeemaker parts to clean them, there is water all over the coffeemaker, the mini fridge, the carpet surrounding the fridge, the Splenda packets next to the coffeemaker, the bookshelf, the couch, my pants...I mean it's just exhausting and ridiculous and the only logical explanation I can think of is that this machine has it out for me and won't rest until it gets me in the eye or it grows legs, attacks me while I'm drafting a letter of rec, ejects me from the office, and then takes over as Chair of Obstetrics and Gynecology. (But why would it want that? Coffeemakers don't exactly mix well with female body parts unless I missed something in health class...) Which is why I've decided that this coffeemaker is a Decepticon left behind on an Autobot mission, now forced to deal with health care administration (yarf) and can only find amusement and purpose in angering the Chair's assistant to the point of insanity.

One day I will forge my revenge with my own Optimus Prime. But for now I'll stick to cursing at the coffeemaker and praising Michael Bay. Life is silly, yes?

- Libby


P.S. Never google "hungry people." It's almost as upsetting as those ASPCA Sarah McClachlan commercials.