What IS That?!?

I'm home in PA for the week and one of the best parts about returning home (aside from mom's cookin') is digging through relics from your childhood. Yes of course there are your baby stuffed animals, your childhood toys...your collection of Gary Larson & Where's Waldo books, your half-broken stereo, your bulletin board left completely intact from circa 1997 with a hideous photo booth picture of you and your BFF that should have NEVER been taken (think horse bangs, a ribbed turtleneck and pre-braces teeth - blech). But the best part of wandering through childhood memories via 1990's artifacts is finding the collection of old magazines you kept for some reason. And what is that reason again? Oh that's right, so that every time you came home you could have the same, priceless reaction - Hmmm what can I read in here...what the?! YM from 1996?! NO WAY! I better hold onto this in case it's worth something someday! (Nevermind the fact that it's been sitting in my bathroom for 13+ years so it's well worn from moisture damage and I'm pretty sure YM** is out of print...but wouldn't that make it more valuable? Hmmm...). So when I arrived at ye olde PA abode I made a beeline for the magazine rack in the bathroom and sure enough, there was the 1996 YM, the 1997 Seventeen, the 1998 People magazine, the Miniature Doll Collector's magazine and a Kitchen Goods catalog (I was obsessed with miniature things and kitchen items for a short period of time in middle school) resting in the same exact position I left them in a year and a half ago. And then I noticed another magazine that wasn't part of the normal crew - a People magazine from 2006. 2006?! Blashphemy! Who put that there?

So when I went to bed that evening I reached for the unfamiliar People mag advertising a story about a family trapped in a snow storm for 9 days on the cover. I read every page soaking in the old celebrity gossip and photos from old awards shows. I read all of the stories about what's hot for Holiday 2006, the strange (and possibly fake?) skin ailment known as Morgellons (which I'm convinced I have), the man lured to Brasil by a sultry woman only to be found burned to death by authorities a month later, the two elderly women who run a halfway house for single moms and every other ridiculous story in between (God, I love this magazine sometimes). And then I read the cover story about the Kim family who was trapped in a snow storm in their car. It was a harrowing tale of courage, resourcefulness and perseverance. Everyone made it out alive...at least I think (I didn't finish the article due to the following discovery). The article displayed pictures of the sweet family from NorCal - before shots, after shots, old pictures of the family with friends, etc. And then there was this picture:

Gosh that's a cute family. The dad and his two youngest daughters at what appears to be a park. He's smiling, the sun is shining, they're alive...but wait, what is that in the background? What IS that?!?!


Seriously, WHAT IS THAT. It's like a colorblind homeless man covered in hundreds of colored socks or - or a giant pinata with multi-colored papier mache all over it - or an evil clown? Perhaps it's a mardi gras bird? But what the hell is a mardi gras bird? Jesus, what IS THAT?!?! So many questions - what is that thing doing in the park? Is there a celebration going on? Why is it standing close to the kid? Is that a fedora on its head? WHY IS IT IN THE PICTURE? You would think the cameraman could have snapped a photo of the nice family man without Joseph & his technicolor dreamcoat in the background.

The best part is when I went to write this entry I attempted to find the above picture on google images and what came up was this picture:

Wait a second, it has a MINION? I just don't understand what I'm looking at. Is that a child under there? Is it a vertically challenged person under there? Is it night of the living dead under there? Is it a kangaroo? What IS THAT? Why is it wearing a top hat? Is that a cane in its hand? Where are they migrating too? Why doesn't anyone in this picture seem to care?

I just can't get over these pictures. They're horrifying and intriguing at the same time, like a Dali painting or that piece "The Nightmare" by Henry Fuseli:

One day I hope to have an office in my home so that I can decorate it with the weirdest stuff like this painting, that photo of the mardi gras bird, a human skull and all my moniker placards I keep finding at my mom's house. I hope it terrifies my children to the point where they won't ever go into my office (not the placards, the weird pictures). The perfect child deterrent - frightening imagery. Although with my luck they'd probably gravitate towards it rather than run away and then steal it. Blast you hooligan imaginary childern of my future...

- Libby

**Just to clarify, YM is a magazine similar to Teen Vogue or Seventeen Magazine aimed at young American teens. It is NOT (contrary to the belief of some individuals who will remain nameless) a gentleman's magazine similar to that of Maxim. Just like the drying rack in the other half of the sink is NOT the "staging area" for dirty dishes. Dishes are dishes - they're not Liza Minelli.